Health & Wellness

Shadow Work: A Deep Dive Into Becoming Your Own Best Friend

July 2, 2020

Whether it’s recent current events or things happening in your personal life urging you to explore a better version of yourself, it’s important to journey into self-improvement work with a realistic approach.

When thinking about who you want to become, it’s not just about learning how to capitalize on your strengths. It also requires facing the parts of yourself that don’t necessarily fit your heroic ideal, and holding them in conjunction with your best attributes rather than trying to eradicate them or pretending they don’t exist. If we constantly worry about achieving a certain “outcome”, we only continue repeating the cycle of how we got stuck on this (people-pleasing) hamster wheel to begin with.

Instead of chasing outcomes, we should place our priority on seeking authenticity instead.

We have a tendency to create formulaic caricatures of the identities we present to the world based on the qualities we like about ourselves/what we think is approvable. On social media platforms, you see influencers and other members of the industry’s elite posting evidence of their financial/social status. Meanwhile, are your friends and families posting photos of their paystubs? No, because in comparison, it’s unimpressive. So instead we post highlight reels that make our lives seem more glamorous & eventful than they really are. In the interim, we sit and scroll, cultivating dreams based on others’ highlight reels; when in reality, they’re probably simultaneously performing the same self-loathing ritual we are.

In order to tap into the power of our individual identity, we have to learn to sit with the parts of ourselves that aren’t so flattering. When you really sit down and think about it, how much are you substituting conformity for a sense of belonging?

The next time you feel the need to subdue your originality for the sake of “blending in”, consider these questions:

What’s prompting me to project a disingenuous caricature of my identity right now?
Can I make room for the weak parts in me?
What about my true character do I think others wouldn’t like or approve of?

Hit up your inner child and explore where you think these insecurities are coming from, and what you can offer them now as a resolve. Try reframing your narrative in the form of a fairy tale, rather than a series of fables with unfortunate endings. Instead, redesign the stories of your past painting yourself as your own hero.

There are two pieces of advice I’ll offer for maintaining consistent shadow work & avoiding burnout in the process:

Seek authenticity, not outcomes
Stop to celebrate every opportunity you get

After bringing intentional awareness to your thoughts/behavior and developing an idea of how you want to harness control of them, you may notice a stronger sense of self starting to materialize. In instances where you typically felt a lack of self-control, take note of the fruits of your labor as they start to manifest through your new & improving unconscious habitual response. Maybe someone cuts you off on the freeway and for once, you didn’t feel the urge to flip them off. Maybe your ex texted you again in an attempt to lure you back into a toxic relationship dynamic and you simply just didn’t feel the desire to reply.

These moments are indicative of two things: 1) proof you’re conquering your emotional triggers and changing your unhealthy patterns, and 2) it’s time to celebrate! Consider any of these seemingly small feats a WIN, and take the necessary time out to congratulate yourself and praise every milestone in your progress.

However, if/when you’re met with a weak moment, learn to gracefully forgive yourself. At the end of the day, we’re human and we’ll never be perfect (nor should we strive to be). Each failed attempt/shameful moment gives way to some vital information about ourselves that we can use to our advantage:

What lessons can you take from this?
Can you allow yourself the space to emerge?*

This process isn’t about judging or reprimanding your disciplinary ability; it’s about ripening your presence in the world and becoming a more fertile ground for how your soul wants to manifest itself.

“You always hold the rights to your effort, but never to your results.

Results are entitled to no one.

At best, they are on loan and must be renewed each day.

All you own is the right to try.”
– James Clear

A hero is someone who knows how to keep that energy for the long haul, and that’s who we need right now to save ourselves and our communities.

To start you off on the right foot, I have two exercise recommendations.

The first is a series of prompts for you to write about & reflect on. When performing your daily gratitude ritual(s) – whether this is as quick as saying grace before you eat a meal or as extensive as journaling or meditating – shift your focus to yourself.

You can cultivate gratitude for yourself by thinking about:

Acts of kindness you’ve performed
People you love
Ways you’ve been of service
Gifts/talents you share
Efforts you’ve made to extend yourself
Risks you’ve taken
Any proud accomplishments
Qualities you possess
Times you’ve remained patient/persevered
Times you’ve showed compassion
Times you’ve offered generosity
Times you’ve demonstrated resilience
Times you found strength when you thought you were empty

The goal is to create space within ourselves free of judgment. This is what self-compassion looks like. When we observe our weaknesses from a place of forgiveness and understanding, we can finally dismantle them and respond with the sensitivity and care needed to heal them.

The next time you notice yourself repeating a negative thought you’ve convinced yourself to believe as a hard truth, stop and pause for a second. Try to imagine a close friend coming to you with the same problem. What would you say to them? Whatever comfort/kindness you’d feel inclined to offer them, offer the same to yourself.