Welcoming the fresh new month of August comes with many mixed feelings for me.

Two years ago this month I gave birth to my first child. While it’s been everything I ever imagined (plus some I didn’t 😵‍💫), my entire world feels like it was flipped upside down ever since. The voices in my head have become louder than ever before, and no matter what I do I can’t get my inner critic to STFU.

In her book The Light We Carry, Michelle Obama refers to this as the “fearful mind” – something that exists within all of us. If you experience bouts of negative self-talk that consume you to the point of not being able to focus or be productive, I implore you to try this: personify your fearful mind.

How to personify your fearful mind

Quite literally give it a name and a pronoun and communicate with it accordingly, the same way you would with an annoying neighbor or colleague you know you can’t get rid of. The reality is that you and your fearful mind are stuck together, housed in one shared space (your mind). Therefore, it’s necessary to find a way to peacefully coexist with her (or him/them).

My fearful mind is named Paige, and I have accepted that she and I are not friends. However, I’m also cognizant of the fact that regardless of whether or not I like it, she owns some significant real estate in my head. She is constantly planting seeds of fear, anxiety, and negativity that prompt me to react. When I try to pretend I don’t hear her, her influence over my thoughts and emotions only grows… exponentially. I’ve learned the hard way that clapping back at her is essential. Calling her out (by name and pronoun) when she starts getting loud allows me to create distance between us, and reminds me whatever is bubbling at the surface is a result of her agenda, not mine.

Why you should make peace with your fear

In another New York Times Best-Selling book I’m reading which will be featured in next month’s issue of my monthly newsletter (stay tuned), I’ve learned that the desire to “heal” or take control of pain and suffering is a very Western – and entitled – position to assume. In most of the world (or at least in most Asian cultures), pain and suffering are a normal and natural part of the human experience; as are pleasure and contentment. So if people develop health issues as a result of their suffering, the idea is that, well, that’s just life. Taoist traditions, for example, believe that you should not only accept suffering but expect it. It’s not some exceptional, one-time experience; but rather an ongoing and inescapable reality of life.

So the next time your fearful mind hooks your attention, remember that the two of you are bonded together no matter what, and the best, most realistic way to silence her is to learn how to talk back to her.

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