What is self-sabotage?

Contrary to what many people think, self-sabotage is not a subconscious effort we make to hurt ourselves- it’s a form of self-protection. Fear and disappointment can have devastating effects on our mental and emotional well-being, and self-sabotage is a maladaptive coping mechanism we use to bring temporary relief to an unmet need.

At the root of self-sabotage is naivety, which is often a result of sheer unfamiliarity. If you have no blueprint for how to do something, of course you’re going to feel insecure in your ability to execute. Until overcoming the challenge becomes familiar, you can never be sure what it will require from you to do so. However, most of us will still hype ourselves up and forge ahead, trusting we’ll figure it out as we go. But when rising to the occasion calls on you to deploy strategy to get from point A to B, you run into imposter syndrome, and doubt creeps in and undermines your efforts.

Self-sabotage ends up prophesying your innermost beliefs about yourself before reality can beat you to the punch to prove your insecurity right or wrong.

“What you believe about your life is what you will make true for your life.”

Find your baseline

In the book ‘The Mountain Is You’, author Brianna Wiest explains how conquering self-sabotage depends on your baseline. Your baseline is the starting point for any idea, action, decision, or relationship you entertain. In other words, it’s your tolerance for happiness, or your capacity to allow yourself to feel good.

If you have unresolved trauma or a history of neglect from your past, your baseline might be set up disadvantageously. Instead of embracing the vulnerability that comes with exploring uncharted territory, you cling to what’s familiar; even if, unfortunately, it entails things like toxic relationships and negative self-talk.

What your self-sabotaging behavior is trying to tell you is that this current version of yourself is not equipped to sustain the life you want to lead. So in that case… what should you do next?

It’s time to reinvent yourself, my love.

This is a silent, simple, and monumental task that involves:

• Mourning the loss of this version of yourself.
• Envisioning and stepping into a more evolved future you.

There are 3 key values to mastering self-sabotage:

1. Agility
2. Resilience
3. Self-awareness

Use these 6 steps to conquer your self sabotaging thoughts:

1. Do a deep psychological excavation.

The answer to overcoming self-sabotage is not trying to override your impulses; it’s confronting them. This part of the process is most helpful when supported by a mental health professional who can help point out blind spots and draw parallels between your past and current experiences.

As Wiest says in a quote from the book, “Your wounds lead you to your path, and your path leads you to your destiny.”

2. Pinpoint your trauma.

Human nature is self-serving.

When you have big problems, all they really are are big attachments. Your triggers are symptoms of trauma that can be healed, not definitions of who you are. Learning to sit with what comes up in your excavation is vital because your suffering comes from your inability to sit with hard feelings, not the feelings themselves.

3. Release what you haven’t processed.

To take accountability for how you feel about yourself and your life, you need to get out of denial and into clarity. This means practicing letting go of those outcomes and expectations that defined you, and either making peace with the facts of reality or committing to changing them. Phase yourself out of spaces, relationships, and activities that make you feel addicted to feeling unworthy.

4. Identify healthier alternative ways to meet your needs.

To truly heal, you have to change the way you think, confront your limiting beliefs, and shift into a mindset that serves a higher version of your current self.

Give yourself small challenges each day and measure the outcomes. Quantify your days by how many healthy things you were able to accomplish.

5. Reinvent your self-image.

The areas you are self-sabotaging in life are the areas that need a little extra love and attention to grow. Your psychological home (aka your baseline) is what you make it, not where you find it.

Self-care is *the* fundamental element of being able to meet your own needs.

In crafting your daily routine, be sure to include practices that engage your guideposts (affirmations, mantras, positive self-talk), boundaries, intentions for who/what you give your time to, goals, and habits you want to develop that will help you achieve those goals.

6. Practice resilience and build your emotional intelligence.

Expose yourself to moderate challenges daily.

Remember how we talked about obstacles feeling uncomfortable until they become familiar? Well, like all things in life, consistency is key.

This is why we get stuck in harmful thought and behavior patterns in the first place- because they are familiar. Your subconscious mind is the gatekeeper to your comfort zone, and the good news is you are in complete control of the behaviors that indicate your familiar patterns. Your leading values are your choice to make and no one else’s, no matter what or who is provoking you.

If you want to be resilient and not fall victim to your self sabotaging thoughts, then your goal should be to lead your decision-making with logic, reason, and integrity- not emotion.

Conclusion

The point of overcoming self-sabotage is not the mountain ahead of you, it’s about who you become in the process of climbing it. You are capable of more, deserving of better, and meant to transform into the person you want to be. But to facilitate the change you want to see in the world, you first have to do the hard work of changing yourself.

“Your new life is going to cost you your old one.”

– Brianna Wiest

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