When we’re caught up in love it can be instinctively easy to turn a blind eye to red flags that try to intervene and distract us.

So, once you come back down to earth, here are some you should keep an eye out for to get an idea of where your relationship is headed:

1.  They’re in their mid-30s & have never been in a committed, long-term relationship
2. They don’t follow through on their word – whether we’re talking plans for the future or what we’re doing Friday night
3. They express they have feelings for you but then disappear for days
4. They criticize your style/appearance
5. They’re not supportive of your career, side hustle or personal endeavors
6. They’re not interested in getting to know your family/friends
7. Their sexual needs overrule yours
8. Your conversations are always about them
9. They tell you they’re not ready to commit
10. They share traumatic experiences from their past, but haven’t done the work to heal or consciously process them

If you can apply any of these to your new relationship, proceed with caution. Maybe it describes someone you’ve broken up with in the past. If so, welcome to the club. Maybe you’re still hung up on your ex. If so, I’ve got some tips for you:

Practice what you preach. 

Own how you’re feeling; admit to yourself if deep down you know you’re still not over them. Give yourself enough grace to acknowledge your honest feeling – not what anyone else thinks you should be feeling. Living in denial will only keep you binded to the pain you’re experiencing. It’s understandable that we grow attached to the idea of who we painted our exes out to be, or who they portrayed themselves as before their true colors started to show.

While your logical self will agree with your friends/fam who say you’re better off without him/her, it’s not that easy for your heart to cut off its emotions cold-turkey. It doesn’t operate that way. Give yourself time to reflect, process, and heal. Even years after certain breakups, I still struggle with feeling attachment to ideas of who I thought/hoped someone would have been.

Lean into your pain. 

Although numbing (unhealthy/self-sabatoging habits such as binge-eating, partying wrecklessly, swiping your credit card nonstop, drowning your sorrows in drugs & alcohol, etc.) can seem like the easy way out; those behaviors don’t contribute anything to healing your wound. Therefore, you have to intentionally set aside time to sit down with yourself & face your pain. Now couldn’t be a more perfect time. (#shelterinplace)

Welcome your pain. Give yourself compassion and ask yourself what hurts, where you think your body is storing that trauma, and why you think you’re having a hard time letting go. What’s still still left that you need to resolve with yourself? Literally block off time on your calendar to do this – whether you choose to untangle your thoughts via journaling, meditating, or calling a friend/therapist/other form of emotional support. 

Commit to a new thought pattern.

Start re-framing those negative narratives you’ve been repeating to yourself. You have to direct your brain focus on moving on and let it know you’re ready to let him/her go. You create your own reality with the stories you tell yourself. Therefore, if you want to get over him/her, then you have to start thinking & behaving like someone who already is.