I presume couples are much more likely to be blowing things out of proportion & getting into unnecessarily heated arguments right now, coming up on an entire year in quarantine.
I know I have đ – or maybe it’s just the pregnancy hormones talking… Or maybe a lil bit of both đ
Weâve all been there. We get into it with bae about something trivial, then all of a sudden our nervous system is out of whack and we find ourselves in a thick fog of emotion we can’t seem to make any sense of; spewing off at the mouth like a broken sprinkler.
Arguments and distress in relationships are inevitable; pandemic or not. However, it’s our willingness & ability to get ourselves back to a baseline of emotional safety – together – that determines the quality & success of our bond.
AM I TOXIC?
At the height of these heated moments, do you/your partner soothe each othersâ fears & anxieties, or do you tend to pour fuel on the flames? âœđ„
Usually in times like these we get caught up in âright-fightingâ, or feeling like thereâs nothing more important than getting our point across. This means weâve entered fight or flight mode, and we need to shift our priority from getting our partner to agree with us to first soothing our nervous system so we can see straight again.
With that said, it can be too easy to take it on one or start projecting when weâre feeling triggered. I donât care how much work youâve done to heal from your past; weâre ALL susceptible to going *off* if we canât manage to regulate our emotions in times when we aren’t feeling seen or heard. By this point, weâve submitted ourselves to a dangerous feedback loop of validating our own self-inflicted triggers without any external input needed. In other words⊠this is when our words/behavior can become regrettably toxic.
This is why, before it reaches this point, itâs *key* for both partners to understand the gravity of not only addressing but also calming each otherâs (rational AND) irrational fears in moments of frustration – otherwise known as co-regulation.Â
Co-regulation is a labor of LOVE that creates space for the vulnerability needed to build trust & intimacy in a relationship.
This is typically accomplished by using a soft, slow tone in verbal responses and/or a gentle, physical display of affection (think of how a mother soothes a crying baby by embracing, smiling or cooing at them). For babies & romantic partners alike, regularly co-regulating another personâs nervous system helps condition it to eventually learn how to regulate itself.
When we project, it often has less to do with the situation at hand & everything to do with old wounds left over from past traumas. In this sense, relationships can be a playground for learning how to support each otherâs vulnerabilities, measuring our developmental growth, and helping each other heal.
Some examples of co-regulation (non-verbal cues to soothe your partnerâs agitated nervous system) to deescalate the situation might be to:
- Hold their hand
- Hug them
- Put your arm around them
- A gentle massage
- Make eye contact
- Respond in a soothing tone/voice
Remember the goal of co-regulation is not to fix the problem or solve the argument right away. It’s simply to reduce the perceived threat in order to increase the sense of safety your partner is feeling with you in that moment, so you both can communicate more effectively going forward.
From there, youâll find a way to agree, compromise, or agree to disagree.
4 responses to “Am I Toxic? Behold, The Gift of Co-Regulation”
Nani thank you for this blog post! I recently went off on my fiancĂ© because his roommate made a âjokeâ about how my fiancĂ© hasnât had food made by âreal Filipinosâ. I started going off about how offensive that was to me, my family, and my community and how it wasnât the first time his roommate made an offensive comment like that to me. My fiancĂ© took me into his room (we were in FaceTime) and told me his roommate was just joking. I was livid because he should have immediately told his roommate he crossed the line, instead he was defending a man who deeply offended me. I wrote angry letters to my fiancĂ© (since weâre LDR) and essentially in these pages written in anger, I was reliving all this relational trauma I have experienced with the love of my life. The majority of those traumatic experiences have involved this third party, the person he chose to live with when he finished school. And as I vented my fiancĂ©âs cousin and trying not to cry, she helped me realize some of my fears are irrational, like being replaced by this other man because sometimes I feel like a mistress in my own relationship. Am it terrifies me to feel like my fiancĂ© is choosing a friend over me. Over the years I have been trying to work with my fiancĂ© on addressing these traumas. Itâs difficult because we cannot move in together until after he gets citizenship. Anyway this article helped me understand better what is going on when these issues arise and how to navigate them better and I want to thank you and TFAW for that.
Hi Michelle! Thank you so much for sharing. Being able to co-regulate with one another is definitely a two way street and like I outlined in my post, I know how infuriating it can feel when you feel like you need your partner to be there for you but you don’t feel they’re seeing or hearing you. It’s a vulnerable space to be in – especccccially if the culprit of your argument is also inescapably living with you! I’m sorry you’re having that tension in your relationship right now, and hope that it just takes some breathing room & time to reflect for you both to find a more effective way to communicate. While our relationships are great opportunities for us to be able to help each other heal from our past wounds and trauma, we also have to be cognizant that our experiences are our own, and no matter how we try to validate their importance/impact on us to others, they still can never feel exactly how we have unless they’ve been through the same themselves. In this case, I guess it may be helpful for me to write a follow-up post in the future about SELF-regulating lol, as I find myself struggling with similar feelings in my relationship too at times. Trust me, I know exactly how you’re feeling and want you to know you’re not alone, even if it feels like it in the physical space you’re occupying now. I hope this post brought you some sense of validation in how you feel, and some support to work to process it further – both on your own AND with your fiance. Anyway, thanks again for stopping by. I appreciate the feedback and conversation! Talk soon đ
<3 Nani
Nani, you definitely hit it on the nail! I tried to explain the concept of co-regulating to him and he kinda just felt personally attacked because he didn’t understand what I was talking about and just focused on the fact I was bringing up moments in our past when he was joking or doing something that ended up being traumatic for me. And in those moments I had to stay quiet because I didn’t know if he was ONLY joking or I had to let him live his own life and just try my best to be supportive. And I tried to open the dialogue and ask if he ever had those feelings, which he was feeling pretty devasted but didn’t list anything. I sent him the link to his post and he finally understood what I was talking about and that I wasn’t trying to make him feel personally attacked. He finally started listening and understanding I’m telling him what I need both of us to do moving forward in order to have that successful marriage we both wanted. Sometimes we have those moments where one or both of us isn’t feeling fulfilled (a reference to love languages) and we essentially come together and decide it’s time to recalibrate our relationship. And when I was able to share this post with him (and read it out loud together), it was like the ah-ha moment when we could recalibrate.
So truly, thank you. Know that you are making a difference. And honestly, for me, it kind of feels like getting good, solid relationship advice from an older sister haha.
Thank you ate!
Michelle!
This is definitely some of the best feedback I’ve received… I love so much to hear my post was able to help you and your fiance work through this obstacle. It’s important to be able to meet each other where we’re at, and the reciprocity between the two of you and the effort you both put in to learn together and implement new ideas in your relationship is admirable. I’m honored to be a source of advice for you both! Please tell him thank you for reading as well đ Sending you both lots of love & well wishes <3
Love,
Nani