Part 2 of my 3-part review of the book, ‘What Happened To You’ by Oprah Winfrey & Dr. Bruce D. Perry.
Engaging with a dysregulated person
“Fear shuts down thinking and activates feeling.”
Do not expect a dysregulated person to be able to communicate rationally or effectively- simply because they are not able to access the logical part of their brain.
The sequence of engagement for success in these situations is as follows:
- REGULATE. Regulation = the key to safe connection.*Only* once you are able to get through the lower, emotional part of a person’s brain can you expect them to respond rationally. In charged conversations, you can promote regulation by incorporating low, slow vocal tones and some kind of rhythmic movement, like walking or drawing, while you talk. Modeling non-reactive behavior yourself helps the dysregulated person catch the contagion of your calm and follow suit. Emotional contagion works both ways; if you have a strong reaction and scream at them, don’t be surprised when they raise their voice back at you in their reply.
- RELATE. The next necessary step in working towards effective communication is to create a consistent pattern of engagement that helps the person’s brain register interactions with you as “safe”. This is why when you start seeing a new therapist, it typically takes 10-20 sessions before you feel comfortable really opening up or are able to experience a breakthrough.
- REASON. When you’ve established a safe connection, you can now surface any topics of discussion. One effective strategy is to practice reflective listening, rather than making sure you have a rebuttal ready to everything they share. Nobody responds productively to right-fighting.
“In order to communicate rationally and successfully with anyone, you have to make sure they’re regulated, make sure they feel a relationship with you, and only then try to reason with them.”
– Dr. Perry
Read Part I: Understanding The Meaning-Making Machinery Of Your Brain.
Read Part III: How To Rewire Your Stress Response System To Be More Resilient.
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