Often times, all it takes is one person’s opinion – a parent, friend, teacher, colleague – for us to develop internal narratives & convince ourselves of who we are (or who we’re not). These stories get stuck on repeat in our heads for years, until they harden into limiting beliefs we accept as unchangeable truths.

It starts with someone saying something about our appearance, our intelligence, or our competency in an area we’ve attempted to make strides in for ideas to form about what we’re good at vs. what we’re not. The more power we give these ideas, the more they influence the relationship we have with ourselves & what we think we’re capable of. Over time, we consequently lose trust in ourselves as we continue to repeat them, & our self-image becomes tarnished. 

We all go through bouts of resenting things about our upbringing that we would have done differently. We blame our parents/guardians for instilling certain ideologies in us we feel have hindered us later on in life. As we mature, we realize the necessity of unlearning, relearning, & essentially being able to parent ourselves.

One thing I resent about my upbringing is not being taught or encouraged to advocate for myself. As I mentioned in my previous blog post, it was ingrained in me from a young age that I was to follow the paths laid out for me, not to question authority, & do what I’m told (and without my inherent attitude😏). I come from a split household/biracial, Filipino-American family where this narrative was interestingly enough mirrored on both sides.

My dad & paternal grandparents always taught me to keep my head down, do what I was told, follow the path laid out for me & not to rock the boat. This mindset demonstrated through frequent & unabating “because I said so” explanations I now know came from their experience as first-generation Filipino-Americans who came to America from the Philippines with a goal of assimilating as best they could. They migrated here during the Marcos era, seemingly as a way to escape an alternative life of impasse in a Motherland under authoritarian rule. 

Wanting to blend in so badly to a foreign place positioned as superior to their native home illustrates a deep sense of self-loathing that comes as a result of a generational colonial mentality. There’s a deep, dark history of centuries of colonization that’s been intentionally erased from our purview; robbing us of true connection to our indigenous culture & therefore, our identity. Ultimately, this has lead to a collective belief that in order to survive, we have to shrink ourselves as much as we possibly can.

My maternal grandma who was born in the middle of WWI & then lived through WWII here in the states as a descendant of a Russian-Jewish family also carried a similar survival mindset that stemmed from the scarcity of her lived experience. She embedded this deep into my mom’s psyche, who has since passed it on to me. 

She claimed a strong belief in support of women’s rights & independence, and didn’t hesitate to voice her opinions about injustice of any kind – unless it involved her own family. When my mom experienced discrimination in the workplace (simply because she was a woman trying to succeed in a male-dominated space); my grandma minimized her perceived impact & showed no sympathy or validation. She responded with the same “that’s just the way things are” attitude my dad’s family adopted with me, and ordered my mom not to rock the boat – AKA, to put up with whatever she had to to keep her job, even if it came at the expense of her dignity or self-respect. Again, the message was that when your position is threatened, you are to shrink yourself in order to survive.

I’ve observed this narrative that’s been passed down to me & the impact it’s had on my life today in great detail. The more I think about it, the more I realize all the different ways I’ve allowed it to manifest.

In my love life, I’ve willingly settled in toxic relationships & allowed harmful treatment I knew I didn’t deserve. I’ve not only allowed it, but internalized it as “normal” & adopted it as my own auto-pilot behavior, becoming the toxic one myself. In my professional life, I’ve settled for jobs that are “safe” in terms of receiving benefits & a decent salary, but that are unfulfilling to say the least. To this day, I keep myself chained to a dead end 9-5 out of fear I’ll lose that stability/security I was taught to prioritize over everything else.

I’ve been privileged enough to be able to ignore larger conversations about how our country is governed & the systemic issues our society faces; being okay with settling for any given circumstance I might find myself in while I repeat my parents’ & grandparents’ “that’s just the way things are” justification. I’ve only recently discerned the detriment thinking about politics in this way brings not only to myself but also to my community, and conceded the value & liberty in being able to partake in a true democracy.

Overall, I’ve struggled with not being able to stand up for myself & letting other people define my worth for me. The common, underlying theme is that by drilling it into my head that I’m “not to rock the boat”, I’ve inadvertently made a habit of settling for less. From a young age, I’ve resisted even considering what I could achieve outside of what was already in front of me.

Part of the unlearning/relearning (or decolonizing) process is understanding why our elders embedded these stories in us, & gaining insight into the people/environments that informed their truths. 

With this empathy & awareness, we can identify familial & cultural patterns that allow us to separate ourselves from these fables originally created as mechanisms to cope with conditions that no longer apply. This realization brings a new appreciation for the intentions behind our predecessors’ teachings, with respect to how they evolve to better fit our current state of affairs.

In order to change these limiting beliefs, we have to challenge them. 

I.e. “I do not exist solely to serve others, or to be someone else’s punching bag”

Survey one of your own:

• Who created this story?
• When was it introduced to me?
• Is it entirely true?
• Does it serve me sustainably?
  • If not, can I let it go?

How can you rewrite your story in a way that offers you the opportunity to be the best version of yourself?

“Let go of your story so the universe can write a new one for you.” – Marianne Williamson