In the name of transparency, I want to start this post off by stating that I am the last person you want to take advice from when it comes to boundaries. However, I’m sharing these reminders with you today to invite you into my own learning process.
Things to remember when setting healthy boundaries in relationships:
Honor your authentic self in your relationships.
Saying yes when you want to say no only builds bitterness and resentment inside you and creates conditions for self-imprisonment. You have the power to design your own reality by honoring what truly resonates with you (and saying no to what doesn’t).
You can adjust your boundaries anytime.
There are no mistakes in the divine plan for you. There is only knowledge gained through experience. Every experience brings new insight and a deeper understanding of yourself. Your decisions are not set in stone, and you have the right to pivot whenever you want.
Closed mouths don’t get fed.
If you don’t share your wants, needs, and preferences, how do you expect them to be met?
As the age-old saying goes, closed mouths don’t get fed. In many cases, our cultural or familial conditioning tells us that sharing our needs is synonymous with being difficult or hard to get along with. But in reality, it’s allowing others to truly know us and decide for themselves how they can show up for us.
Exercise some discretion with what you choose to communicate.
Share what’s necessary and keep the rest to yourself. While it’s important to honor all your emotions, what you choose to share with others is YOUR choice. Not your obligation. In one of my favorite books, Crying In H Mart, the author’s mother imparted this sage piece of wisdom to her impressionable daughter; “always save at least 10% of yourself.”
Not everyone will agree with you, and that’s okay.
The point of setting boundaries is to identify and protect your individuality. This works both ways. Never expect others to conform to your needs if it’s not in alignment for them. What’s more, remember to practice what you preach and never infringe on others’ boundaries either. Respect should always be a two-way street.
No matter what, you always deserve to be treated with kindness and respect.
You control who gets access to you.
You can (and should) remove anyone who violates your boundaries, disrespects you, or wants to make you stoop to a lower version of yourself.
Clarify (with yourself) what your non-negotiables are.
Non-negotiables are the basis of all boundary-setting. Some might refer to this as a “values filter”. In order to create boundaries that function productively for you, you have to be clear about what you do/don’t want according to your core values.
Self-care is not selfish, it’s how you set healthy boundaries.
Enforcing boundaries is hard. For many of us, especially women, that’s because we’ve been taught our role in life is to serve others. While servitude can be fulfilling in many ways, I can’t stress the importance of first serving ourselves so we even have something to offer to others.
Conclusion
Boundaries are meant to keep your energy in, not to keep others’ energy out. The fundamental basis of what this means is that you have to serve yourself well before you can serve anyone else well. If you are motivated to set up boundaries in your life to try to elicit a certain reaction or behavior out of someone else, you’re setting yourself up for failure. If you want to hear more about boundary strategizing, comment below or send me a message to let me know.
